all that's left are jus memories of you that remained deeply rooted in my heart.
it's jus simply so hard to release that hold i have for you.
simply you.. simply.. us..
i went to you blog, realised that you deleted all the entries you wrote abt us.
maybe, i guessed, it was easy for you..
cus you love me no more..

i read your entire blog, well, not exactly.
saw your stuggles and the pain you once felt.
now, maybe you've return to this.. tourture.
finding your true love once again.
you never stopped searching to find a place to b accepted in life.
where someone could talk to you and understand you better.
maybe i wasnt the right person at the right time.
your words and your seriousness, you cant help but completely be yourself.
in fact, you were always.
i agree that of course we have to be ourselves.
but have you ever tried to adapt to the envioment and others.
yes, understandable that you feel weird and not yourself.
but wad about taking this first step.
the first step is always the hardest aint is?
to be loved and accpeted by all the people around you.
was it worth the effort and sacrifice?
in the end, it's your life. you still choose and decide your own path of life.

you will be accepted, you will be loved.
but it's still up to you. because you are the KEY.
not the answers, but the hint and tryout.
it's still up to you, seeing if you're willing or not.
seeing if you want to make the effort of not.
it's jus like a coin on a table.
the coin will remain there forever if you do not stretch out your hand for it.

my bother if people used you as a tool?
why does it affect you so much?
as i was oncwe like that, i finaly realised..
WHY THE NEGATIVE THINKING?
was there even a point to feel or think that way?
will thinking negatively answer your problems?
NO!
feel happy and proud that people needed your help and service.
so what if they throw you aside?
you were the type who always wanted to be felt needed dont you?
i agree. without love, there's no point in life.
but what about God's love?
His love can never be compared to all the people, or anyone out there!
because He who is from above is above all!
you do not need to find someone or anyone out there to love you because GOD IS ALREADY LOVING YOU!
so what if people cast me aside? Jesus still loves me.
so what if im being used as a tool? God still loves me.
so what if im hated and im being an outcast in the world?! the Father still loves me!
i do not care what the world thinks because im not from this world!
as in the bible, humans, we, are aliens of this world.
so what if im hated? ha? like i care?
the Father is in Jesus and Jesus is in me!
im not afraid for He never forsakes me or leave me.
and He loves me at all cost. all the time, anywhere and everywhere!

having a relationship now is not the right time.
the only relationship i want to have is from God and with God!

you always thought you have your facts, about reality and statues anxiety right.
okie, rephrase, most of the time.
and does that that means you're mature jus because you are serious and with your facts right?
wrong.
yes facts are useful at times.
but being mature has to be both in actions and words.
ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.
and it doesn not mean you help others you are very mature.
not totally, the real thing is about how you perform, behave, adapt, love and be humble in life.
i konw, im not any better, for i have a long way to go and learn.
so have you.
but we shall not judge so there shall be peace.
for all of us are still under God's creation.

sigh, i shant say any further, emotions, now i jus portray everywhere.
for in all i do and all i say is all of my heart's emotions.
and i've this feeling...
i havent spoke so... so..seriously in situations like this for a very long time..
in fact, ever since i got together with you, my facts, well, most of it, were forgotten.
ever since i got together with you, i became childish, in fact,
after reflecting, i realised, i've gotten worst.
i need to get back on the right path, for me to both focus and do task properly.
now, i need the Lord to heal this broken heart of mine.
before i can love others with all my heart again.
i've sacrifice too much, i've lost many things which i could have done better in the past.
now, i've learnt, and shall walk on the path of rightoueness,
for only He can make straight my paths.

i need and i want to.. let go of you..
i commited all my love for you. but now..
it has vansish all into thin air.
like it was never even there..
i really want to be like the friends we once where we speak of our minds, and we share all our problems wiht each other, like brothers and sisters, we went throught thick and thin in the past.
there wasnt any feeling we had for each other.
we were jus normal friends, who understood each other all the times.
but this relationship drifted us apart, further away, i lost sight of you..
jus like the day we started our relationship.... ...
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it was the saturday of 2006, 15 april.
we were invited to our friend, Sylvia's church for easter party.
haven been to a church for a long time, my parents were worried, so they followed to see the location of Sylvia's church.
and it was along thomson road, and i ddnt know, it was a shophouse.
so i entered, my parents felt unsafe so they talked to the pastor.
so i sat down, with madeline, and soon after, you came.
and my parents, after talking to the pastor, called me out of the church.
and i knew things werent going well that day.
outside the church, i recieved some nagging, after another.
you were so worried, you even purposly prepared and ironed your clothes properly that day.
and only for that day, to see me..
you walked out of the church, past by me and my ma, with that stern and serious look.
nothing else filled your mind but me being safe.
my ma, she ddnt allowed me to that church, she was so angry with me that i had to go..
i really had to..
so slowly i left, turned to see you hiding behing a car, waving at me.
but i walked further away, and the further i walked, the further i was gone from your sight.
and soon, you could see me no more.
we both broken hearted. left.
though far apart, our hearts were close.
i never felt that way to anyone in my life before.
i couldnt stop messaging you, because all that filled my mind that time was you, only you.
like the world never existed, and i couldnt care any less wad was goin on in the surroundings, but you..
the moment i arrived home, i waited for you on the com, to come online.
we promised each other, we will talk for we both needed each other so much.
that day, i waited for 1 hour, 2hours... though i still knew you were at church, i contiuned to wait.
till finally, i saw you online. and without much delay, you talked to me. and we both shared our sorows that day. in fact, it wasnt the day we got together.. it was the day we first said to each other, i love you..
from that day i commited my love for you, not letting go, through the difficult times and arguements we had.
i perservered, for you i ddnt give up on you, on us.
seriously, we were the only ones i ever knew had so much conflicts with each other.
we had so much agruements. you were upset, for me, i felt so much worst..
i really ddnt know when am i to suit you and to suit my own.
in this relationship, it has driven me nuts.
i was so crazy, i couldnt care about anything but you..
i gave up so much for you. now, it seems like i've lost so much.
but i shant cry over spilled milk.

what has happened has happened.
ley bygones be bygones.
i jus wish... i jus want.. to be the friends we once were..
and to let go the hold i have for you in my heart... ...